So it's Friday (hoorah!) and I'm hungover (boooo!), contemplating how I managed to spend nearly $100 on vodka & Red Bulls over the course of 90 minutes last night. Whatever... I stand by my investment. But it has slowed me down this morning, which is why I'm just getting around to posting now. I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited breath, hoping for something to kill some time on this dreary Friday. Well worry not my little minions, I have not abandoned you!
Well this story is getting broken up into three parts cuz it's frggin' long. Like the story last week, this one is also based on a really vivid nightmare I had. But I tried to have some fun with this one--sort of take a lighthearted approach to the horror genre. I wanted to embrace some very typical horror movie conventions while refuting others. I wanted it to be funny, bloody and perhaps even a little creepy. Maybe I succeeded. Maybe I failed miserably. You guys can feel free to be judge, jury and executioner. That's why I keep you around.
Fair warning: Part one is mostly setup. (Hey, you need to establish some kind of atmosphere, right?) We don't get into all the gory details until the subsequent installments. But this part does have rough sex! So you've got that to look forward to. I had considered calling the story 'Fucking and Choking' but thought that was too overt a 'Californication' reference (great show for those unfamiliar with it). Anyway, enough bullshit--here's part one of Happy Campers.
Happy Campers
God… why did I invite her? How did she talk me into it?
“My back is fucking killing me. And my legs are starting to feel like rubber.”
I must have ‘gives a shit’ written on my forehead. I’ll be sure to scrub that off as soon as possible.
“We’ll take a break in a few more minutes and eat some lunch. I told you it was a lot of hiking.”
Her sigh is full or irritation. “Maybe next time you can elaborate on ‘a lot.’” She almost murmurs this under her breath, like she’s debating whether or not she wants me to hear.
The others are at least a hundred yards ahead of us. The trail climbs uphill and to the right, peaking at a ridge overlooking the area of forest we’ve already traveled through. They wouldn’t be able to hear it if we really laced into each other down here. Maybe it would be a good idea to get our aggression out before we rejoin the group.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I stop moving and look back at her. She’s sweating and her blue eyes catch the sunlight instantly, sparkling like small sapphires. Her smooth blond hair is tied back, but a few rogue strands have freed themselves and hang over her forehead. She looks exhausted and frustrated. This could get ugly.
“Excuse me,” she says, stopping dead in her tracks.
I repeat: “Are you fucking kidding me? Are you really that clueless as to what ‘a lot of hiking’ entails? I know you’re not a dumb girl. I know you’re more than capable of drawing reasonable conclusions from the words ‘a lot.’ I told you this was not going to be the type of getaway you’re used to. I’m sorry Karen, but I’m not going to be able to deal with you complaining this whole trip.”
She stares at me, looking more confused and hurt than angry. “I knew you didn’t want me here.” She breaks eye contact and stares at the ground. Her tone is defeated and self-pitying. “I know you think I’m such a fucking princess. I just wanted to show you that I’m not some spoiled little bitch.”
Fuck. She’s so good at this: taking my anger, turning it around and making me feel like shit. And I cave every time. I sigh, relax my tense body and walk over to her. “I’m sorry babe. You know I’m just tired. I shouldn’t have snapped like that. C’mon, they’ll wait for us at that ridge up there and we’ll all take a break. I’m sure they’re tired and hungry too. Sound good?”
She smiles—knowing that her defusing technique has worked again—and gives me a quick kiss. “Then why don’t you stop standing around and get a move on.” She laughs and shoots up ahead of me.
She really can be adorable as hell when she wants to be. “Looks like you’re legs are feeling fine now,” I shout up to her.
“I guess something about you yelling at me really lights a fire under my ass.”
“Such a cute little ass too,” I say sneaking up behind her and giving her butt a little pinch. “And it’s good to know I can motivate you.”
“Alright… don’t start sucking your own dick just yet.”
“Why would I do that? That’s what I keep you around for!” I laugh and sprint up the trail past her. She gives a jokingly offended little grunt and takes a playful swing at me as I run by.
“Keep up the attitude and you’ll be using your hand. Besides, you owe me for that little scolding back there.”
I stop and turn around, blocking the trail. “Oh you just love to keep track don’t you?” I’m smiling now, moving closer to her.
“Well sometimes you need to be reminded what a treasure I am,” she replies flirtatiously, putting her hands around the back of my neck and pulling my face down to hers. We kiss. In fact, we kiss for quite a while. Things are about to get more interesting when I hear a voice from the ridge.
“Hey Team Young Love!” It’s Andrew yelling from his perch at the top of the trail. “Maybe you guys want to keep your tongues in your own mouths and catch up!”
I continue kissing her and casually flip Andrew the bird. I can hear him laugh.
“Oh someone get the video camera!” This is Eve now, following Andrew’s lead. “Things are about to get risqué down there!”
We break from the kiss and smile up at the rest of the group. “We’re coming, we’re coming.” I realize almost immediately that I’ve chosen my words poorly. Our friends burst out laughing.
“Already?” Andrew yells back through laughter. “Fuck man, that didn’t take very long!”
I decide it’s probably better to keep my mouth shut at this point. I take Karen’s hand and she smiles, giving me another quick peck on the cheek. We continue walking up the trail. In just a few more minutes we’re standing in a clearing overlooking the ground we’ve just covered. It’s pretty impressive.
“See,” I say to Karen, putting my arm around her. “Don’t you feel a sense of accomplishment?”
“Um… what I really feel is hungry. Let’s break out those sandwiches.”
“Way ahead of you,” Dillon says as he pulls open the small cooler pack he’s been carrying. He begins passing out the sandwiches. Karen and I take ours and sit down on the ground, backs perched against a tall cedar.
“So you guys were really taking your sweet time back there,” Dillon says. Eve takes a sandwich from his hand and gives him a kiss on the mouth before planting herself next to him.
“Well someone’s gotta keep the deadweight company,” I say giving Karen a teasing little nudge.
“Alright,” Karen says after swallowing a mouthful of sandwich. “Everyone get your jokes in now. I’ll also be accepting an ‘I told you so’ or two. But be quick about it because now that I’ve got my hiking legs in order, I’m going to be doing laps around you assholes from here to the cabin.”
Everyone gives a pleasant chuckle. They all know that Karen’s led a different life than they have, but they don’t resent her for it. She has her high-maintenance moments, but she’s pretty down to earth when you really get to know her.
“How much further do we have before the cabin?” Eve asks.
“Oh, quite a ways,” Dillon replies through a mouthful of peanut butter and jelly. “I know a nice place we can set camp for tonight, but we’re not going to be able to get to the cabin until tomorrow. I mean we probably could get there tonight, but it would be late as hell and we’d really have to bust our asses. Besides, what’s the point of camping if we can’t spend at least one night totally under the stars?”
“What convinced your uncle to build a cabin in the middle of nowhere?” Andrew asks.
“Fishing,” Dillon replies simply. “He had two passions really: fishing and drinking. He also wasn’t what you would call a real people person. In fact, he was kind of a grizzled asshole. He used to love to come out here with a few of his buddies and just get hammered and fish. Once the cancer finally killed him, he left the cabin to my father cause they were pretty close and my dad made the trip up here with him a few times. My parents are probably going to try and sell the cabin soon, so I figured it would be fun to make the trip with you guys at least once. Especially since we all have our own personal responsibilities and aspirations to concentrate on in the near future.”
Dillon’s right. We’ve all done our best to cling to some lingering threads of post-collegiate irresponsibility, but as we all near the dreaded age of thirty, it’s difficult to deny the looming sense of accountability and maturation. With Andrew approaching the completion of his MD in psychiatry, Dillon and Eve on the verge of opening a restaurant and Karen and I both applying for professorships at universities, one can only assume our years of no-consequence partying are coming to an end.
“Has anyone been out there since your uncle died?” Karen asks.
“Yeah,” replies Dillon. “My mom and dad made the trip a month or two ago. But they cheated. They chartered a seaplane. The plane landed in the lake, just a few miles from the cabin. But it’s definitely an expensive way to travel. We’re doing things the old-fashioned way.”
“I think it’s nice to be able to hike and camp out here,” Eve says, “I really had no idea it could be so beautiful.”
“Unspoiled,” Andrew chimes in.
“Yeah, I mean the biggest concern this time of year is staying out of the bears’ feeding paths, which is exactly what we’re doing. There’s a shorter route to the cabin, but it’s right through feeding country.”
“Don’t they leave those areas though?” Karen asks. It seems clear she’s doing her best to mask the anxiety that has just crept into her voice.
“As long as they’ve got food they’ll stay right where they are. Besides, I’ve left a pretty nice cushion between us and them. That’s why this hike is so long.”
“I had no idea you were so outdoorsy,” Eve says giving his arm a little rub. “It’s kind of hot actually.”
Dillon gives a quick laugh. “I’m just operating under the advice of others. I don’t think I’m really outdoorsy—just good at following instructions. I’ve also made this hike once before with my uncle a few years back. It’s tough to come out here and not go home retaining some kind of wilderness knowledge.”
“So how much further before we reach the camping spot you’re talking about?” Karen finishes her sandwich and balls up the foil.
“I’m not great at estimating distance, but we’ll definitely be there before sundown. It’ll probably only take us another hour… maybe two. We’ll have plenty of time to get our tents set up and start a fire before we lose the light.”
“Leaving us plenty of time to get fall-down drunk,” Andrew says as he stands up.
“Now that’s a plan I can get behind,” Eve agrees.
“I think that’s a plan we can all get behind,” I say standing up. I extend a hand to Karen to help her.
“I agree folks,” Dillon concurs as he picks his pack off the ground and throws it on his back. “So let’s get moving.”
We all grab our gear and begin to head up the thinning path into the dense forest.
***
The light’s already fading as we set down our packs in a large clearing. Andrew is sipping on a bottle of rum. In fact, he’s been doing so for the last thirty minutes. Dillon greatly underestimated the distance to the clearing and Andrew grew impatient.
“That was the longest two hours I’ve ever experienced,” Andrew says, taking another swig from the bottle.
In truth, Dillon’s two hours turned out to be much closer to four.
“I gave you my disclaimer,” Dillon says. “I told you I suck at estimating distance. Turns out I just suck a little more than I thought.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Andrew says hitting the bottle one more time before offering it to the rest of the group.
Eve snatches it from his hand and takes two sizable gulps. “I need something to suppress this rising urge to murder my boyfriend.”
“Alright, alright,” I chime in. “Lay off the poor bastard. We all have our respective ineptitude. I mean what’s an extra two hours amongst friends?” I walk over to Eve and take the bottle from her. “In fact, I propose a toast to Dillon: Here’s to the asshole that dragged us out to the middle of nowhere to do what we could be doing in an air conditioned apartment back in the city.” I take a healthy swig from the bottle and pass it to Dillon.
“The love is tangible,” he says, accepting the bottle. He passes it to Karen, who has been remarkably quiet for the past hour or so. She’s sweating and clearly exhausted, but she appears to be taking it all in stride. I can see what looks like determination in her eyes. She’s out here with something to prove, and all of a sudden my outburst a few hours ago seems entirely inappropriate. I walk over to her.
She’s slightly hunched over, standing with the bottle in hand. She looks up as I approach, smiling as she brings the bottle to her lips. “Here already?” she asks with a dribble of rum still on her lips. “I was hoping we’d have a few more miles. I’m totally in the hiking zone right now.”
I laugh and give her a kiss. “Don’t tell Eve I said this, but you’re like totally Queen of the Hikers.”
She smiles with an exaggerated sense of self-satisfaction. “My rule will be a benevolent one. Now let’s get our tent set up so we can get wasted and fuck like rabbits.”
“Have I told you I love you recently?”
“One more time couldn’t hurt.”
“I fucking love you.”
She finishes the little remaining rum in the bottle and tosses it behind her, leaning in towards me and planting a long, passionate kiss right on my lips.
***
The flames lick the dark night air like flickering, burning tongues. The gray smoke dances into the darkness, only staying visible for a matter of seconds before disappearing into the gaping mouth of midnight.
The inebriated laughter dies down for a moment as Andrew stands up. “Man, are you folks in luck. I managed to find some of the finest marijuana this great nation has to offer and just happen to have some packed into a bowl. You guys can thank me in a few minutes.”
He pulls the pipe from the front pocket of his sweatshirt, presenting it to us like a showroom model before lighting it. He inhales, holds the smoke in his lungs for a moment, then exhales a sizable puff that quickly dissipates in the cool, dark air. “Tastes like God’s vagina,” he says almost dismissively.
We all double over with laughter as Andrew smiles and takes another hit before passing it off to Dillon.
“See,” Dillon says after taking a few puffs. “We could be doing all this in one of our apartments, but look at that sky. I mean just look at that fucking sky.” He tilts his head and points towards the heavens. “You don’t see stars like that over the city. Just try and tell me that isn’t fucking magnificent.”
“I’ll let you know in a minute or two,” I say. “We haven’t gotten the bowl over here yet.”
Everyone laughs and Karen offers me a playful nudge. “Don’t listen to my unappreciative counterpart,” she says. “It is absolutely magnificent, Dillon. And on behalf of everybody else, I’d like to say thank you.”
The rest of us join in with purposely half-hearted expressions of gratitude.
“Well it’s my pleasure,” Dillon responds. “It’s cool to be able to share this with you guys. I’m sure if my uncle’s looking down on us, he’s pleased to see we’re getting blasted and enjoying ourselves.”
The pipe makes its way to Karen and she takes a few hits before passing it along to me. Andrew’s right, it tastes phenomenal. The smoke passes through my lips and rolls over my tongue, leaving traces of something both piney and minty. I can almost feel the smoke reaching my brain and massaging my synapses. “Damn,” I mutter, pulling the end of the pipe from my lips and inspecting it quickly.
We sit and drink as the bowl makes its way around the group a second and third time. Eve and I both pass on round number three—we’re not quite the seasoned marijuana veterans that our friends are. As it reaches Andrew for the fourth rotation, it’s evident that we’re all in good shape. He offers another hit to anyone that's interested, and with no takers he returns the pipe to its small case and puts it back in his pocket.
“Now,” Andrew says, returning to his seat by the fire. “Before you two lovely couples retire to your respective tents for your sinful fornication…”
“It’s alright man,” Dillon says. “I know you’ll be standing right outside, jerking off like a pubescent boy that just found his dad’s porn collection.”
“Actually I’ll be photographing it for use at a later date,” Andrew responds quickly.
“Wow,” Karen interjects. “Are you planning on talking to your future patients like that?”
“Unfortunately I don’t think the ABPN appreciates that kind of doctor-patient interaction. But that’s why I need to take advantage when I’m with you guys.”
“ABPN?” I inquire.
“American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology. They’re really a bunch of fascists when it comes to patient abuse.”
“And what about drug abuse,” Dillon asks.
“Eh… kind of a grey area.” Andrew says as he cracks open a beer.
I laugh. “I still have a lot of trouble picturing you as a psychiatrist, Andrew. Especially one that can write prescriptions.”
“What can I say?” he responds shrugging. “I find the dark side of psychotherapy really fascinating. Particularly when drugs are involved.” He takes a sip of beer. “But enough of all this serious talk, who’s got a ghost story?”
The group lets out a unanimous groan.
“Oh c’mon,” Andrew persists. “I know someone must have something halfway decent. Dillon, you mean to tell me you’re grizzled, drunken uncle brought you out here and didn’t try to spook you with some local horror story?”
“Oh Christ, Andrew,” Dillon responds. “I’m half-drunk and completely baked. I can’t tell a ghost story competently right now.”
“C’mon Dillon,” Karen has joined in and I’m surprised. Usually things of the spooky and supernatural variety are not her cup of tea. “Do your worst.”
I take her side—not because I’m so interested in a story, but because I love her for what she’s doing out here. “Yeah man, give it a try. Tough to find a better atmosphere for a scary story.”
Dillon sighs. “Alright… there is one story my uncle told that I thought was pretty good. Let me see if I can remember it.”
He pauses and closes his eyes, looking mildly confused, like he’s trying to work out the details in his mind, but can’t quite get them organized. “I…” he starts and stops, trying once again to collect his thoughts, appearing to have a little more success this time. “Like much of this country, this area had its fair share of Native American presence. That is until we managed to decimate the vast majority of it.”
“Oh Lord,” Andrew interjects. “You say ‘we’ like me and my parents went and slaughtered them while they slept. Sorry Senor Bleeding Heart—a little before my time.”
“Dude, do you want the fucking story or not?” Eve spits at him. “Why don’t we leave the politics by the wayside?”
“Seriously,” I agree. “You were the one that was so interested in this story.”
“Okay, okay,” Andrew puts up his hands in a sign of surrender. “You’re right. Please continue.”
“Right,” Dillon continues, his tone dropping to an impressively grave level. “Well many of them were slaughtered by Americans that may or may not have been Andrew’s parents. In fact, this very clearing saw a particularly brutal massacre. Fifty-plus Native American men, women and children were slaughtered here, their tortured blood sinking into this very dirt, saturating the earth, fusing with the roots of these massive trees. In fact, their agonized, vengeful spirits will almost certainly be looking over us tonight as we sleep…”
I can feel Karen shiver as she leans against me. I put my arm around her.
“So it’s clear to see why these spirits would be angry and ruthless. And it’s well known how Native Americans have a special bond with the earth. That’s why they’ve been able to remain here for as long as they have, inhabiting this clearing. Watching. Waiting. It’s rare they’re given an opportunity to exact the revenge they so clearly think they deserve. Out here in the middle of nowhere, they don’t get a lot of unsuspecting Caucasians passing through. But the last time they had the chance, they definitely took it.”
Karen shivers again. “Cold?” I whisper to her, squeezing her a little tighter.
“I’m okay,” she whispers back, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.
Dillon is still talking. “Well a group of young hikers, not all that dissimilar from us, were backpacking through this area of the forest. Like us, they stumbled across this clearing and figured it would be a good place to make camp for the evening. But what they didn’t know was one of them had done something very disrespectful and very dangerous…”
Dillon trails off, staring into the fire, appearing almost hypnotized. “I… I’m sorry,” he says after a few moments. “I just can’t remember the rest—not for the life of me.” He closes his eyes and begins to form an erratic collection of words with his mouth, but he doesn’t actually speak a single syllable. His closed eyes shift beneath the lids, almost as if he’s searching the darkness for the conclusion. His lips move frantically, like they’re hoping to fatefully stumble upon the right combination of words and phrases that will offer the rest of us some closure.
“Oh what a fucking cock-tease,” Andrew proclaims, throwing a small branch into the fire.
“Well maybe if you hadn’t interrupted, he wouldn’t have lost his train of thought!” Eve is in attack mode now. She can get very defensive when it comes to Dillon. “Don’t be such an asshole Andrew; none of us are in the mood.”
“Oh… right,” Andrew retaliates. “It’s my fault he can’t remember the rest of the goddamn story.
“It’s okay,” Karen says very softly. “It’s okay.” Louder this time. “I’m pretty shot anyway. And we’ve still got a lot of hiking to do tomorrow. Maybe it’s best if we all just call it a night.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” Eve agrees. Dillon’s still sitting by the fire with that dazed, almost concussed look. His eyes examine the flames, still searching for the rest of his story. “Babe? You okay?” Eve inquires.
Dillon looks up at her, almost like he doesn’t understand the question. After a second or two, he responds. “Um… yeah. Yes, I’m sorry. I guess I’m just a little more wrecked than I thought.”
“It’s alright sweetheart,” Eve responds with a healthy dose of loving concern. “It happens to the best of us.” She takes his hand and helps him up. “And Andrew, if I see you anywhere near our tent, I’ll cut your fucking balls off.”
“Such hostility,” Andrew replies with mock offense. “Don’t worry, if anyone needs me, I’ll be sitting right here by the fire, drinking and smoking until I pass out.”
“Well at least safety’s your number one concern,” Eve calls back as her and Dillon disappear in the direction of their tent.
“Well… have a good night,” I say to Andrew in an attempt to remain as neutral as possible.
He salutes back with a beer in his hand as Karen and I leave him to head back to our tent.
***
I slip inside her and she moans with pleasure, leaning down to kiss me on the mouth as she rocks back and forth. Her eyes are closed as she arches her back, her head only an inch or two below the top of the small tent.
I groan as I grab her hips, thrusting rhythmically as I push myself further inside. She smiles and opens her eyes, a purely mischievous smile playing across her slowly parting lips. She leans down again to kiss me, then slides her mouth next to my ear and whispers softly, “I’m going to kill you.”
She tilts her head back and moans again, louder this time. I stare up at her, still hard, still inside her. “What did you just say?”
She doesn’t even hesitate. “I said I love fucking you.” She closes her eyes again, that marginally disconcerting but wholly sexy smile still on her face.
But the words are still in my head, clear as day. I can actually hear them reverberating around in my skull, like a wicked, taunting echo.
She puts her hands on my chest, allowing her nails to softly comb my skin. Then, without warning, she digs them into my flesh, eliciting a long breath and a deep grunt from me. She looks down and smiles, then digs her nails deeper.
I howl. There are small, thin streams of blood flowing down my bare chest as she leans down again, kissing me on the lips hungrily, driving her tongue into my mouth. As she pulls away, she clenches her teeth around my bottom lip, hard enough to draw blood. She leans back again, moans and laughs—an utterly sinister and altogether un-Karen-like laugh.
I’m squirming now, but still inside her. I’m sweating, blood dripping from my mouth and chest. “What’s gotten into you?” I mutter breathlessly, not sure whether this unprecedented behavior is something I should embrace or be concerned about.
“I told you,” she says as she begins to ride me harder. “I’m going to kill you.”
She laughs again—that same maniacal laugh. She throws her head back with such a violent jerk, her blonde hair slaps the top of the tent.
“Okay…” I reply, doing my best not to seem completely opposed to the idea of sexual experimentation. “This is a little weird, baby. I’ve never seen you like…”
She removes one of her hands from my chest and presses it over my mouth with enough force to drive my head to the ground beneath the tent. She then wraps the slender fingers of her other hand firmly around my neck. I try to resist, but she seems so strong; stronger than I could ever imagine.
As I look into her eyes, I can see her light blues transform instantly to a deep navy, bordering on the edge of black. Her face momentarily transforms into something totally inhuman—some bleeding cascade of melting flesh and hyper-fluorescent light; some vile Picasso-like rendering of monster meets madness. The change only lasts a second or two. Once I blink my eyes, it’s back to Karen… or Karen’s homicidal doppelganger as the case may be.
Suddenly, I can see figures through the tent behind her. There are at least ten of them, closing in around us. Their numbers continue to grow. More and more emerge from the woods. After only a few moments, I can’t even see trees anymore, just a huge group of people surrounding us. I can’t make out any features through the tent’s fabric—just bodies. I pull my eyes away from the encroaching figures and look back up at Karen. I try to speak, but her fingers are closing tighter around my neck. Just a few more seconds and I’m completely incapable of breathing.
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