Battle Royale!

Okay kids, it's been a while since I've thrown anything up here. I've been ultra-super-mega busy, but I wanted to toss up a quick little piece of comedic gold from a few months ago. I think it's pretty funny anyway. But I guess you guys can be the judges. This is based (nearly verbatim) on an actual conversation I had with a particular individual. There's nothing like discussing hypothetical death matches when you're excruciatingly bored. Enjoy!

Who do you think would win in a fight: Pablo Escobar or Able Lincoln? 

Abe. 

Did you just pick him cause morally he’s in the right? Cause Pablo’s got cocaine strength. 

No… something about Abe says he can take a hit. 

Um… is it the fact that he got shot in the face? Cause I think that’s a pretty poor indication. Alright, Han Solo or Odysseus? 

Han… cause he’s tricky… and hot. 

Oh, you’re a fucking geek! Odysseus is eight times trickier and would wipe the floor with Han. Odysseus is known for being a brilliant trickster for Christ’s sake. You made a poor choice. Besides, Han is not that hot… and he’s totally gay for Chewie. 

I would totally get in between that! 

That’s weird and disturbing. It’s clearly bestiality. 

I love Han. 

Okay… what about Hillary Clinton or Inspector Gadget? 

Um… Gadget. She’s got thick skin, but he’s got Penny and the dog. 

No way. No Penny. No dog. That’s cheating. 

But they always save him! 

Not this time. Hillary eats him alive. No question. Unless he’s got go-go-gadget bitch repellant, he’s dog meat. You’re not very good at this. 

Stop! I’m awesome at this… you’re the one with all the bullshit outcomes. 

No, you’re just reading the fights all wrong. I mean Penny and the dog… come on. 

Three versus one... those are pretty strong odds for Gadget. 

But they’re not part of the fight. It’s cheating. 

But they always pop up! 

Whatever… Splinter or Howard the Duck? 

Oh God, I hate Howard the Duck. All Splinter. He’s a master! 

Well that’s a shame, cause Howard would mop the floor with Splinter’s rat ass. 

What are you basing this on?! 

Splinter is totally over the hill. Besides, he’s not teaching Howard how to fight, he’s fighting Howard. Howard wins. No contest. 

No way! Howard could barely fight! He was a piano player. 

But Splinter’s old and fragile. He’s already got one furry leg in the grave. 

You’re absolutely nuts. 

Fine… Carrie Underwood or Rosa Parks? Cat fight… to the death! 

Where are you getting these people from?! Rosa wouldn’t fight. She was a pacifist. Besides, white trash people can be very intimidating. 

Sounds like Carrie would put Rosa in a hurt locker. 

I thought you were going to say something contrary. 

Nah… Carrie Underwood would take Rosa Parks to school.